Friday, June 12, 2009

It'll be alright, right?

Pulled another disappearing act, but with good reason! I was returning from my vacation in SC, ooooh how I miss home, then getting ready for my husband to return from deployment. He returned June 3 and we have been catching up and talking about everything that has happened over the last 6 months.

Such as my wanting to go back to school. Scary, I know. I have been out of school for 12 years, so this is a bit of shock. Me? The person who doesn't believe in the institution of school wants to go back to it? Yup. There are compromises that have to be made and the biggest one comes to the children. Husband feels I won't be able to dedicate enough time to my own school if I am trying to home school the kids as well. I can see his point since the kids are usually all over me all day (and one of them all night) long. So we are going to work with the kids over the next 2 months to get them caught up to reading level and math level so they will be prepared for public school. I'm nervous about them going back to PS but I also know if I want to get my degree and work towards my goal I have to give somewhere.

In other knitting related news I am slowly catching up on my knitting. I still can't seem to find my mojo but I have designed a pretty sock and can't wait to release it June 21. July is WIP wrestlin month, that will be interesting with 3 sweaters, 1 top, 1 pair of gloves and 5 socks to catch up on. I wonder what I will actually manage to finish.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

52 pair plunge!!

The 2nd annual 52 pair plunge is coming to a close. I haven't reached the goal but there is still time, and of course there is always the next round!

The 3rd annual 52 pair plunge begins June 1, 2009. This year I am one of the moderators along with 2 other new gals. We are looking forward not only to the challenge of hosting the plunge but in participating as well. I am hoping to get a design done that will be exclusive to the plungers and perhaps a prize package for the end of the plunge to the person who reaches the goal.

Til then, back to finishing up this years plunge ;)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Sometimes, such a great word to start off with. Sometimes I am happy and full of life and energy. Sometimes I am sad and low. Sometimes I am easily irritable and sometimes I can fly between the 3 in one day. It's the rollercoaster called being an unmedicated bipolar. I've been on this ride for 15 yrs and to me, it's normal. I FEEL. Sometimes I think people forget that I feel. Sometimes I think they forget just because I have a hard exterior and try not to show outward emotion that I am not sensitive to what they say or do, or even the things they may not say/do.

Sometimes I just need to pour out what is on my heart and on my mind knowing I am safe here because only one friend reads and I love her dearly and I know she would never judge. We have the kind of friendship that despite doing something together maybe once a year we are always there for each other and support each other, no matter what. She is only one of two friends here that I can say that about.

Sometimes I wonder if my friendship with this one friend is even really a friendship. She was the first friend I made her in WA and it was just, natural and easy. We went to HS together, had many of the same friends back home and just generally seemed to click. While I was living up in that part of town we did a lot of stuff together, we were always off doing things. Then I moved down here and it made it harder to get together as much, plus I have all of these kids which make doing anything that much harder. So sh made more friends that were close by and I thought that's awesome, everyone needs friends nearby. I was happy for her. I knew her first deployment in the Navy was coming up and I know how hard that can be being away from home, being in a strange new place and needing people. Then she became pregnant and it suddenly changed. I don't know if it had anything to do with being pregnant or if it was coming on but I didn't notice it until then. One group of these friends she had made, it felt to me were pulling her away from everything, they always got together and did things, hell they even had a stupid fucking mascot. The only time she called to talk to me was when she needed to gossip about something she couldn't say to anyone else. Why me, because she knew I wouldn't tell anyone else since I had no other friends (on the boat that is).

I tried to ignore this feeling I had. It really came to a head one day, on the way to a tea party. I couldn't get on base as my stickers had expired so I had asked to ride in with her. At first she said no b/c she had this to do and someone else to pick up, so I said, alright see you another time then. When she calls she said alright I'll leave work early so you can ride with me, but man did that feel like I was the worst inconvenience ever. Brushing off the feelings thinking maybe I am just being sensitive it gets worse. When we get to the gate I pull out my military ID only to find out it's expired and they have to call the MP's down to issue me a ticket which takes forever, and friend is very highly aggravated. Now I am feeling really low, apologizing profusely and just wishing I had stayed home. The feeling doesn't go away the entire party. FF to me leaving her house after the party and realizing I need gas, so I pull up to the station and realize aw shit husband has the debit card and I have no money. Now I am scum on the bottom of dog shit on the bottom of a shoe b/c I have to call and ask friend to borrow a few bucks to get home.

After this I notice there is a huge shift and I become only a ear for the gossip. When things head south with this one clique I am sympathetic and supportive and so my best to be there for her. I even tell her some of how I felt that one day (this is many months later and about 2 mths after baby is born) as I feel perhaps this is a turning point for us getting back on track with our friendship. Only it's not. She makes more friends.

Now I am constantly seeing comments on FB about things they are doing or things they did, every day it seems they are getting together for coffee or going somewhere, doing something. I don't begrudge the friendships and I know I must sound like a sour puss but it hurts. It hurts to not even be asked hey wanna come up for coffee? Hey we are going to a baseball game I bet your kids would have a blast why not come along. Or even just a hey we haven't hung out in awhile, let's get together. But I am still that friend that hears her gossip, I am still the one she turns to when that one chick is being a bitch and in general making friend miserable. I am just not that friend that is invited to anything. I am not that friend that when she is in need and asks for help, is offered it. Or hell even a hey I'd love to help out but I can't, how about I keep you company and keep he kid sout of your way while you work. All I hear is silence.

Sometimes. Back to that word. Sometimes I just want to tell her to take her fair weather friendship and shove it. Sometimes I want to say it's not worth being your friend just so I can hear you complain and gossip while you have fun and do things with your real friends. I hate being that person you do gossip to simply because you know I have no other friends so I won't be able to tell anyone, as if I would anyways. I hate feeling like you are only my friend out of pity? some weird sense of obligation? or is it something else entirely because I certainly don't feel you are my friend because you want to be my friend, because you like me. And then sometimes I think if I were to ever say those thing I would hurt her feelings and that would make me feel even more guilty than I do now for being such a burden of a friend. But here in my safe place I can say those things without repercussions, without guilt, without ever showing that outward emotion that makes me weak.

Now I am out of words. 3:20 am, woken up by something and unable to sleep because words were clouding my head. Now they are out and maybe I can rest again. At least maybe I can feel better having gotten that all out and maybe fresh eyes tomorrow will show I am just being silly and over exaggerating the situation. Maybe.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Vacation continues

But is quickly coming to an end. We have tossed in as much fun and adventure in to our trip as we can and now we are just chilling and relaxing. Since it's late and I'm tired I'll just bombard with pictures from Middleton Place, Folly Beach and my dad's backyard ;-)

and tomorrow (maybe) i'll have some knitting pr0n for ya ;)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

East Bay Garden Gallery

This morning my dad called me and asked me to come down to his gallery, a flower was in bloom and he wanted a couple of pictures of it so he could paint it. So since I was there I took several shots of his gallery to try and convince him to put up a website just to show his gallery, no online sales or anything, but he seems uninterested. So since he won't let me do that I'll just share the pics here ;-)

my dad, the artist & owner of East Bay Garden Gallery

the red flower in the courtyard he wanted a pic of

back of the gallery, in the garden

back & side of the garden

gate that leads to garden behind the gallery

inside of the gallery

another inside view

and yet another inside view ;)

last one!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Magnolia Gardens, Charleston SC

We have been on vacation for 1 week now and enjoying every minute of bright sunshine down here in good ol South Carolina. There really is nothing like the fresh air and constant sun like it is here in Charleston. It never ceases to amaze me just how much brighter and clearer everything is here.

We've done a few things here and there this past week but today was a big day for us. One of the owners of Magnolia Gardens, Drayton Hastie, visited my dad's art gallery (East Bay Garden Gallery, just north of the Battery) a few weeks back. He fell in love with my dad's style and invited him to photograph the plantation and paint it in pictures for their gift shop. Today we did just that, so here are a few highlights from our trip, sorry I can't reveal all as they may very well be painted and hanging in the gallery soon ;-)

Mr Egret standing guard near the famous bridge

random bench surrounded by azelia's which grow abundantly in these parts

this mysterious lady was hidden off the beaten path, such a shame as she is stunning!

The man on the left with the young girl is my father, the artist Hampton Brand and my daughter Rory, they are watching an alligator float along the water.

my curious Pixie transfixed on yet another alligator

one of the many ponds on the Plantation

all of the kids taking a break from all of the walking

the petting zoo was one of the kids favorite spots

this guy really loved my gal!

this is the back of the plantation home, the front faces the Ashley River and is near impossible to get a picture of

this bridge has been painted and photographed by many artists

I just love this photo

another of the kids, just having fun

After a long day I am ready to go sit down, watch Dancing with the Stars and knit with my Wollmeise :D

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Global Warming

Well, more like Global Cooling if you are in the PNW. But as promised I finished my Global Warming top, knit in Yarn Chef sock yarn, one of my favorite not yet hit the big time Indie Dyers

This was a really fast and easy knit, very few modifications made to it. And yeah I know the pic is crappy, just like our weather. And based on weather reports it doesn't look like there will be another half decent day until the day we fly out to go to SC, but that means I'll have ample opp for much better pics once we are there! And hopefully pics were I don't have to chop my head off ;)

On the home front note, I got to talk to the husband as the boat is on a port call. It's nice to hear from him but makes me miss him so much more. Thankfully this deployment will soon be over and should be the last one for at least 2 years, maybe more. Also did some more cleaning and packing for the trip. Oh how fun all of the clothes from the garage smell! Oops and I forgot to put them in the dryer, better go do that now so they don't sit overnight and get more smelly!