Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sometimes

Sometimes, such a great word to start off with. Sometimes I am happy and full of life and energy. Sometimes I am sad and low. Sometimes I am easily irritable and sometimes I can fly between the 3 in one day. It's the rollercoaster called being an unmedicated bipolar. I've been on this ride for 15 yrs and to me, it's normal. I FEEL. Sometimes I think people forget that I feel. Sometimes I think they forget just because I have a hard exterior and try not to show outward emotion that I am not sensitive to what they say or do, or even the things they may not say/do.

Sometimes I just need to pour out what is on my heart and on my mind knowing I am safe here because only one friend reads and I love her dearly and I know she would never judge. We have the kind of friendship that despite doing something together maybe once a year we are always there for each other and support each other, no matter what. She is only one of two friends here that I can say that about.

Sometimes I wonder if my friendship with this one friend is even really a friendship. She was the first friend I made her in WA and it was just, natural and easy. We went to HS together, had many of the same friends back home and just generally seemed to click. While I was living up in that part of town we did a lot of stuff together, we were always off doing things. Then I moved down here and it made it harder to get together as much, plus I have all of these kids which make doing anything that much harder. So sh made more friends that were close by and I thought that's awesome, everyone needs friends nearby. I was happy for her. I knew her first deployment in the Navy was coming up and I know how hard that can be being away from home, being in a strange new place and needing people. Then she became pregnant and it suddenly changed. I don't know if it had anything to do with being pregnant or if it was coming on but I didn't notice it until then. One group of these friends she had made, it felt to me were pulling her away from everything, they always got together and did things, hell they even had a stupid fucking mascot. The only time she called to talk to me was when she needed to gossip about something she couldn't say to anyone else. Why me, because she knew I wouldn't tell anyone else since I had no other friends (on the boat that is).

I tried to ignore this feeling I had. It really came to a head one day, on the way to a tea party. I couldn't get on base as my stickers had expired so I had asked to ride in with her. At first she said no b/c she had this to do and someone else to pick up, so I said, alright see you another time then. When she calls she said alright I'll leave work early so you can ride with me, but man did that feel like I was the worst inconvenience ever. Brushing off the feelings thinking maybe I am just being sensitive it gets worse. When we get to the gate I pull out my military ID only to find out it's expired and they have to call the MP's down to issue me a ticket which takes forever, and friend is very highly aggravated. Now I am feeling really low, apologizing profusely and just wishing I had stayed home. The feeling doesn't go away the entire party. FF to me leaving her house after the party and realizing I need gas, so I pull up to the station and realize aw shit husband has the debit card and I have no money. Now I am scum on the bottom of dog shit on the bottom of a shoe b/c I have to call and ask friend to borrow a few bucks to get home.

After this I notice there is a huge shift and I become only a ear for the gossip. When things head south with this one clique I am sympathetic and supportive and so my best to be there for her. I even tell her some of how I felt that one day (this is many months later and about 2 mths after baby is born) as I feel perhaps this is a turning point for us getting back on track with our friendship. Only it's not. She makes more friends.

Now I am constantly seeing comments on FB about things they are doing or things they did, every day it seems they are getting together for coffee or going somewhere, doing something. I don't begrudge the friendships and I know I must sound like a sour puss but it hurts. It hurts to not even be asked hey wanna come up for coffee? Hey we are going to a baseball game I bet your kids would have a blast why not come along. Or even just a hey we haven't hung out in awhile, let's get together. But I am still that friend that hears her gossip, I am still the one she turns to when that one chick is being a bitch and in general making friend miserable. I am just not that friend that is invited to anything. I am not that friend that when she is in need and asks for help, is offered it. Or hell even a hey I'd love to help out but I can't, how about I keep you company and keep he kid sout of your way while you work. All I hear is silence.

Sometimes. Back to that word. Sometimes I just want to tell her to take her fair weather friendship and shove it. Sometimes I want to say it's not worth being your friend just so I can hear you complain and gossip while you have fun and do things with your real friends. I hate being that person you do gossip to simply because you know I have no other friends so I won't be able to tell anyone, as if I would anyways. I hate feeling like you are only my friend out of pity? some weird sense of obligation? or is it something else entirely because I certainly don't feel you are my friend because you want to be my friend, because you like me. And then sometimes I think if I were to ever say those thing I would hurt her feelings and that would make me feel even more guilty than I do now for being such a burden of a friend. But here in my safe place I can say those things without repercussions, without guilt, without ever showing that outward emotion that makes me weak.

Now I am out of words. 3:20 am, woken up by something and unable to sleep because words were clouding my head. Now they are out and maybe I can rest again. At least maybe I can feel better having gotten that all out and maybe fresh eyes tomorrow will show I am just being silly and over exaggerating the situation. Maybe.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

...sigh....

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I know what you mean...and exactly how you feel.

I love you though. :) I'll pray you can sleep well tonight.